Breaking Free: A Guide for How to Stop Being Controlling

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Are you the type of person who wants everything to go your way? Have any of your friends (or enemies) ever used the words “control freak” to describe you? If you answered yes to either of those questions, keep reading.  I want to give you some tips on how to stop being controlling. 

You’re probably wondering what authorizes me to provide such tips.  Well, let me tell you.  I’m a born-again control freak who has learned how to be perfectly okay if things don’t always go my way.  Do I have some slip-ups from time to time? Absolutely.  But for the most part, I’ve learned that I don’t always have to be in the driver’s seat. I want you to experience the peace that comes along with letting go of controlling behavior. 

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What does it mean to be controlling?

So what exactly is the definition of controlling behavior? Being controlling means having a strong desire to have power over others, often leading to manipulative behavior and a lack of respect for others’ autonomy. Controlling people may try to micromanage every aspect of a situation or relationship, often to the detriment of those around them. 

Controlling behavior can stem from a variety of factors, such as insecurity, fear of losing control, or a need for validation. Ultimately, controlling can harm both the individual and those around them, leading to strained relationships, resentment, and a lack of trust.

How can I stop wanting to be the boss of everything?

If you want to stop trying to be the boss of everything, you should explore some effective ways to change your behavior.   

If you want to turn away from your controlling tendencies, here are some steps to help you change your ways: 

• Practice self-awareness and recognize when you are exhibiting controlling behaviors. 
• Let go of the need to control everything and everyone around you. 
• Learn to trust others and delegate tasks to them.
• Practice active listening and try to understand other people’s perspectives.
• Allow others to make their own choices and decisions.
• Communicate your needs and expectations clearly, but also be open to compromise.
• Learn to handle your emotions in a healthy way, such as through mindfulness or therapy.
• Practice gratitude and focus on the positive aspects of situations rather than trying to control them.
• Be willing to admit when you are wrong and apologize if necessary.
• Surround yourself with supportive people who can help you break the cycle of controlling behavior.

Why are controlling people often viewed negatively?

Being controlling is often viewed as a negative trait because it involves trying to dictate or manipulate the actions of others. This behavior can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration from those being controlled. It can also hinder personal growth and development, as individuals may feel unable to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their own lives.

Additionally, being controlling can damage relationships and lead to a lack of trust. To foster positive and fulfilling relationships, striving for healthy communication and respect for others’ autonomy is important.

Here are some reasons controlling behavior is viewed negatively:

• It can lead to a lack of trust. 
• It can cause resentment in relationships. 
• It limits the personal freedom of others. 
• It creates an unhealthy power dynamic. 
• It can be a sign of insecurity. 
• It can be a sign of a lack of respect for other people’s thoughts and feelings. 

What is the root cause of controlling behavior?

If you are serious about changing your behavior, the first step is to identify and understand the root cause of the problem. Take time to explore personal experiences and triggers that have led you to be controlling in the first place. 

Controlling behavior can stem from various underlying factors, and the root cause can vary from person to person. Here are some common root causes that may contribute to controlling behavior:

Fear and insecurity: The need for control often arises from deep-seated fears and insecurities. Individuals who feel uncertain or unsafe may seek control as a way to alleviate anxiety and maintain a sense of security. This can manifest in controlling behavior towards themselves or others.

Perfectionism: Perfectionistic tendencies, driven by an intense fear of failure or disapproval, can lead to controlling behavior. The belief that everything must be done flawlessly and according to rigid standards can result in a desire to control situations and outcomes. Sometimes, this type of behavior stems from a family member who has pressured you to strive for perfection.  But sometimes, it comes from us putting unrealistic expectations on ourselves. 

Lack of trust: Controlling behavior may stem from a lack of trust in oneself, others, or the unpredictability of life. When trust is lacking, individuals may attempt to control circumstances as a means of creating a sense of safety and certainty.

Past trauma: Previous experiences of trauma or loss can contribute to controlling behavior. Traumatic events can leave individuals feeling helpless or out of control, leading them to adopt controlling behaviors as a way to regain a sense of power and prevent future harm.

Low self-esteem: Low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth can drive controlling behavior. Individuals with low self-esteem may attempt to control external factors as a means of seeking validation, approval, or a sense of self-worth.

Learned behavior: Controlling behavior can be learned from past experiences or modeled after significant people in one’s life. Growing up in an environment where control was emphasized or witnessing controlling behavior in others can influence an individual to adopt similar patterns.

Need for certainty: Some individuals have a strong need for certainty and struggle with ambiguity or unpredictability. This need for control can stem from a desire to minimize risks, maintain order, and avoid uncertainty in their lives.

Being out of your comfort zone: If you are someone who is used to living life according to predictable patterns, you might feel insecure if you’re in a new environment. Your lack of confidence might cause you to begin to inadvertently reach for your controlling personality as a coping mechanism.

It’s important to note that controlling behavior can be harmful and should be addressed with empathy and understanding.

How can I recognize and manage triggers that make me want to control a situation?

Sometimes when you’re in certain situations, there are people or things that make your control issues flare up. Recognizing and managing triggers that make you want to control a situation is an important step towards personal growth and emotional well-being. Here are some strategies to help you in this process:

• Self-awareness: Start by developing self-awareness to identify your triggers. Pay attention to situations or circumstances that evoke a strong desire to control. Notice the thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations that arise when you feel the need to control a situation.
• Reflect on underlying fears: Often, the need for control stems from underlying fears such as fear of failure, rejection, or uncertainty. Reflect on these fears and try to understand how they contribute to your desire for control. By addressing and challenging these fears, you can reduce the need to control.
• Acceptance: Practice acceptance of the things that are beyond your control. Recognize that there are limits to what you can control in any given situation. Embrace the idea that uncertainty is a natural part of life and that it is okay not to have complete control over everything.

• Mindfulness: Cultivate mindfulness to stay present and non-judgmentally observe your thoughts, emotions, and urges. Mindfulness helps you create space between your triggers and your response, allowing you to choose a more conscious and measured approach.
• Emotional regulation: Develop healthy strategies for managing your emotions. When triggers arise, take a moment to pause, breathe deeply, and tune into your emotions. Explore healthy coping mechanisms such as journaling, exercise, talking to a trusted friend, or engaging in relaxation techniques to process and regulate your emotions effectively.
• Letting go of perfectionism: Recognize that perfectionism often fuels the desire for control. Embrace the concept of imperfection and allow yourself and others to make mistakes and learn from them. Emphasize progress and personal growth over rigid control and perfection.
• Seek support: Reach out to a friend, mentor, or therapist who can provide guidance and support as you navigate your triggers and desire for control. They can offer valuable insights and help you develop strategies to manage and overcome these patterns.
• Practice surrender and flexibility: Cultivate a mindset of surrender and openness to the unpredictability of life. Focus on adapting to situations rather than trying to control them. Embrace flexibility and the potential for positive outcomes that can arise from letting go of excessive control.

Remember that managing triggers and the desire for control is a gradual process that requires patience and self-compassion. Celebrate your progress and be gentle with yourself when you experience setbacks. With time and practice, you can develop healthier ways of responding to triggers and cultivate a greater sense of inner peace and resilience.

What is the connection between controlling behavior and self-care?

The connection between controlling others and self-care is significant. Controlling behavior often stems from a lack of healthy coping mechanisms, insecurity, or a desire for power and dominance. When someone engages in controlling behavior, they tend to focus on manipulating and dictating the thoughts, actions, and emotions of others. This preoccupation with controlling others can often lead to neglecting one’s own well-being and self-care.

Here are a few ways that controlling behavior and self-care are connected:

• Neglecting personal needs: When someone is overly focused on controlling others, they may disregard their own needs and prioritize the needs of others. This can lead to neglecting self-care practices such as getting enough rest, eating well, engaging in enjoyable activities, and practicing self-reflection.
• Emotional exhaustion: Constantly trying to control others can be emotionally draining. It requires a great deal of energy and effort to monitor and manipulate other people’s behaviors and choices. As a result, individuals who engage in controlling behavior may experience emotional exhaustion and burnout, leaving little energy for self-care.
• Lack of boundaries: Controlling individuals often have difficulty respecting boundaries, both their own and those of others. This can result in a lack of personal boundaries, where they may not prioritize their own self-care needs or allow others to infringe upon their boundaries. Without clear boundaries, it becomes challenging to engage in healthy self-care practices.
• Dependency on external validation: Controlling behavior is often driven by a need for validation and control over others’ perceptions and actions. This dependency on external validation can lead to neglecting one’s own self-care and relying solely on others for a sense of self-worth and fulfillment.
• Impact on relationships: Controlling behavior can strain relationships and create tension and conflict. When relationships are strained or broken due to controlling tendencies, individuals may experience feelings of loneliness, isolation, and a lack of support. This can further hinder their ability to engage in self-care activities and seek the help and resources they need.

To break the cycle of controlling behavior and promote self-care, it’s important for individuals to recognize and address their controlling tendencies. This can involve developing healthier coping strategies, building self-awareness, setting and respecting boundaries, seeking professional help if needed, and prioritizing their own well-being and self-care practices. By focusing on their own self-care, individuals can improve their emotional health, nurture healthier relationships, and cultivate a greater sense of personal fulfillment and happiness. 

What are some recommended books or resources about controlling behavior?

Here are some recommended books and resources for further reading about controlling behavior:

1. “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing” by Beverly Engel – This book explores the dynamics of abusive behavior and provides guidance for both the abuser and the person being abused.
2. “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft – This book focuses on understanding the mindset and behaviors of controlling and abusive partners, providing insights into their motivations and strategies.
3. “The Control Freak: Coping with Those Around You, Taming the One Within” by Les Parrott – This book offers practical advice on managing and overcoming controlling tendencies, whether in oneself or in relationships with others.
4. “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend – While not specifically about controlling behavior, this book explores the importance of setting healthy boundaries and how they contribute to personal well-being and healthier relationships.
5. “The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond” by Patricia Evans – Focusing on verbal and emotional abuse, this book helps individuals recognize signs of abuse and provides strategies for responding and setting boundaries.
6. “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” by Melody Beattie – Although not solely about controlling behavior, this book addresses codependency and provides insights and tools for breaking free from controlling patterns in relationships.
7. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (website: thehotline.org) – This resource provides information, support, and guidance for individuals experiencing controlling or abusive relationships. They offer a 24/7 hotline and an online chat service.

Remember, books and resources can be helpful, but in situations of controlling behavior or abuse, it is essential to prioritize your safety and well-being. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger or experiencing physical violence, please contact your local authorities or emergency services. Seeking professional help from therapists, counselors, or support groups can also be beneficial for addressing controlling behavior and its impact on relationships.

Frequently Asked Questions about controlling behavior

What is the best way to stop being controlling in a relationship? The best way to stop being controlling in a relationship is to cultivate self-awareness and actively work on changing your behavior. This involves recognizing and acknowledging your controlling tendencies, understanding their impact on your relationship, and making a conscious effort to let go of control.

Is it a good idea to work on controlling behavior for the sake of a healthy relationship? Yes, it is a good idea to work on controlling behavior for the sake of a healthy relationship. Controlling behavior can lead to resentment, lack of trust, and emotional distress for both partners. By addressing and modifying these behaviors, you can create a healthier and more fulfilling relationship. 

How does being controlling impact mental health, both for the person exhibiting controlling behavior and their partner? Being controlling can have a significant impact on mental health for both the person exhibiting controlling behavior and their partner. It can lead to feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and low self-esteem. Additionally, it can erode trust, intimacy, and communication within the relationship, resulting in emotional distress for both individuals.

What are the potential causes of trust issues that contribute to controlling behavior? Trust issues that contribute to controlling behavior can stem from various sources, such as past betrayals, childhood experiences, or personal insecurities. These issues may cause a person to feel the need to control their partner’s actions as a way to mitigate their own fears and insecurities.

Can controlling behavior be present in a romantic relationship without being abusive? Yes, controlling behavior can be present in a romantic relationship without being abusive. However, it is important to note that controlling behavior, even if not physically abusive, can still have a detrimental impact on the emotional well-being and autonomy of the partner. It is crucial to foster open communication, respect, and mutual decision-making in a healthy relationship. 

How can someone with high standards for themselves and others learn to let go of controlling tendencies? Someone with high standards for themselves and others can learn to let go of controlling tendencies by developing a sense of acceptance and understanding that not everything can be controlled. It is essential to recognize that individuals have their own agency and that imposing control may hinder personal growth and healthy relationship dynamics.

Is it a good thing to prioritize personal growth and work towards overcoming controlling behavior? Prioritizing personal growth and working towards overcoming controlling behavior is indeed a good thing. It demonstrates a willingness to improve oneself, foster healthier relationships, and create a more positive and fulfilling life overall.

What are some helpful ways to recognize and address controlling behavior in oneself or a partner? Recognizing and addressing controlling behavior starts with self-reflection and self-awareness. It involves examining your thoughts, feelings, and actions to identify patterns of control. Open and honest communication with your partner is also crucial, as they can provide valuable insights and feedback. Seeking therapy or counseling can be helpful in gaining a deeper understanding of controlling tendencies and developing healthier coping strategies.

When facing the urge to control, what is the best way to take a deep breath and respond in a healthier manner? When facing the urge to control, taking a deep breath and pausing can help create space for reflection and self-regulation. It allows you to respond in a calmer and healthier manner. This give you the chance to consider alternative perspectives and approach the situation with empathy and understanding.

What are the right ways to support someone who is working on changing their controlling behavior? Supporting someone who is working on changing their controlling behavior requires patience, empathy, and open communication. It is important to provide encouragement and be willing to engage in discussions about the dynamics of the relationship. However, it is crucial to respect their autonomy and allow them to take ownership of their personal growth journey.

How can a person who has experienced a traumatic past experience overcome controlling tendencies in their relationships? Overcoming controlling tendencies after experiencing a traumatic past experience can be challenging. Seeking therapy or counseling can provide a safe space to process and heal from these experiences. It is essential to address the underlying trauma, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and learn to establish trust and boundaries in relationships.

Can small changes in behavior make a big difference in overcoming controlling patterns? Yes, small changes in behavior can make a big difference in overcoming controlling patterns. By consciously choosing alternative behaviors and responses, even in seemingly insignificant situations, you can begin to break the cycle of control and create a healthier relationship dynamic.

Can a controlling person change?

Yes, it is possible for a controlling person to change their behavior. However, it is important to note that changing controlling behavior requires self-awareness, willingness, effort, and a commitment to personal growth. It may not happen overnight, but with dedication and support, positive changes can be made.

Final reminders:

• You are not a bad person if you are controlling.  Taking control is perfectly fine in some situations.  
• Don’t get being a good leader and being controlling confused. 
• It’s not always your job to control other people’s problems. 
• The next time you have the urge to take control of a situation.  Think twice. Is this something that you really need to control?